A Quick and Dirty guide to Writing an anti-Israel hit Piece

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(AP Photo/Khalil Hamra)

A few weeks ago, an ice cream company declared war on Israel. Shortly afterward multiple articles explained why this was necessary. The many arguments and accusations became disorganized and contradictory. To prevent further confusion in the anti-Israel community I am presenting here a basic guide to the Unending Sins of Israel as an aid to the modern anti-Semitic propagandist.

1) Frame the struggle to destroy Israel as a fight for human rights. Correlate the struggle with the civil rights struggle and downplay the inconsequential differences between non-violent protest and glorifying terrorism.

2) Emphasize that the Israelis are not permitting refugees to return to their homes. Do not mention these refugees would be from the 1948 war, along with their millions of descendants, and that their goal is to destroy the country.

3) Charge Israel with “apartheid.” This word demands moral indignation as well as the perpetrators’ heads. Virtually everyone on the planet knows someone who has been to Israel and can verify it’s not true. This does not matter. People who need to hate look for reasons to hate. Give them one.

4) Credentials are important. The traditional image of the anti-Israel activist is that of a guttersnipe who spouts nonsense. The creepy bigot of yesteryear now must be educated, erudite, and worldly with a social media presence, photogenic, and with credentials from the better universities, at a minimum. Of course, today’s erudite hatemonger’s arguments are no more valid than his undereducated counterpart’s, just benevolently presented and loaded with anxiety for the victim de jour. Being a guttersnipe nowadays is art, science, and demanding.

5) Hide the fact that the final goal is to destroy Israel and her people. Do not advocate mass murder; merely justify it.

6) Ignore the Jewish community’s non-stop efforts for peace from the 1920s onward and the fact that the Arabs rejected every initiative. Israel’s enemies would appear silly if it got out that they kept losing wars to someone who wants to be a friend.

7) Avoid anything that may make the Palestinian government appear untrustworthy, such as the fact that Arafat violated the Oslo agreement literally before the ink was dry.

8) Use terms “occupation” and “occupied territories.” Do not mention that Israel’s enemies consider all of Israel to be occupied territory.

9) Do not be concerned about being denounced as a phony. Merely find yourself a circle that is so insulated that the truth does not penetrate or matter. Did I just define academia?

10) Use a Jew to catch a Jew. In medieval times the church would use converted Jews to argue against Judaism. Do likewise with regard to Israel. Just because the idea originated with the Spanish Inquisition does not mean it’s outdated.

11) Avoid mentioning that the only reason anyone hears of Israel is due to it being an easy beat for journalists. Israel is the only place in the world one can claim to be a war correspondent while sunning at a nude beach.

12) Seek legitimatization from international organizations by referencing the UN or NGOs. Overlook that no one trusts the UN and that NGOs have to worry about being overtaken in the race for victims to rescue.

13) Seize the moral high ground by misleading. Pro-Israel statements can be quoted out of context to appear anti-Israel. The Ben and Jerry’s boycott is really about a strange pair of ice cream makers, not Israel.

14) If you run out of complaints about the way Israel treats the Palestinians find some other crime, such as Israel destroying the desert by making it bloom, converting seawater to freshwater without permission from the rest of the world, and taking artifacts from archeological sites without authorization from the original manufacturers.

Note that the list does not have to end here. Good luck with your new lifestyle!