Ahh, Disney World! The most magical place on earth for children and adulthood-delaying-millennials alike.
But there’s also a dark and sinister side to Disney, the cruella deville, Jafar, Ursulla (you get the idea) side to the magic kingdom:
According to Primates of Park Avenue, a book written by social anthropologist Dr. Wednesday Martin, an elite circle of New York housewives have a trick up their sleeve when it comes time to plan the next family vacation: they hire disabled tour guides to “pose” as family members in order to cut the notoriously long Disney lines.
As reported by the New York Post, “the black-market Disney guides” cost about $1,040 for the duration of an 8-hour-day, which is often cheaper than some legitimate tour guides to begin with.
“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’— the other kids had to wait 2 ½ hours,” an East Coast mom who recently hired a wheelchair-ridden guide told the Post.
The trickster mom boasted that as a result of her disabled escort, her husband and two young children were sent straight to the auxiliary entrance of whatever ride they went on.
“You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge, this is how the 1 percent does Disney,” she told the Post, echoing Martin’s sentiment that, “it’s insider knowledge that very few have and share carefully.”
So just how do you find one such black-market tour guide? They’re not exactly listed in the Yellow Pages. The business number is in fact so hush-hush that it’s only passed from one trusted mom to the next. And like any true professional company (and by that we mean drug delivery services), once you get through the operator asks for a referral first to make sure you are not the popo.
“I am not surprised,” former Disney employee Brooke Green told the Jewish Voice. “Of course people are going to find a loophole to waiting in lines… Have you waited in those lines? They’re horrible!”
So Green conjured up her own plan during her time working for the amusement park.
“Employees get free perks… We couldn’t cut to the front of the lines but we had the option of using a stroller or wheelchair. This is of course for those who actually need it, but I had my own way of beating the system.”
“I’d put an ace bandage on my foot and say it was sprained or something, and then rent the wheelchair,” said Green, who’d get away with the plot, for the most part.
“It didn’t work for all the rides, but I got to pass at least 60% of the lines which was pretty cool,” she recanted. “Basically these New York moms aren’t reinventing the wheel, everyone living in Orlando knows that you should always go to the park with someone in a wheelchair, it’s like a known thing.”
Green is also tight with some higher ups at Disney, who she says are aware of the recent line-cutting epidemic.
“It’s people beating the system so it’s obviously immoral, but they’re also not too concerned about it because it’s not really hurting anybody.”
… Except for, you know, those of us who don’t cut lines.